ROBOT CHICKEN: Hogwarts: Revenge 101
by TheInhibitor
Summary: Vengeance, Hogwarts-style!


ROBOT CHICKEN: HOGWARTS REVENGE 101

INT. HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY - NIGHT

HARRY and HERMIONE are sitting together in the Great Hall at a table strewn with spell books.

.

**HERMIONE**

He killed your parents, Harry. Their deaths must be avenged! Lord Voldemort must die!

.

**HARRY**

You're right, Hermione. And I know exactly what I'll do. I'll bide my time, waiting for his body to be overtaken by the ravages of old age.

.

Cut to INT. VOLDEMORT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

LORD VOLDEMORT is asleep in bed in an ornately evil bedroom.

.

**HARRY**

_(overdubbed)_

And then one night, when he's lying in bed, all by himself — he'll die in his sleep of natural causes! Mwa-ha-ha-HAAA!

.

Voldemort suddenly convulses, sitting up with eyes wide open.

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(gasping)_

Gerp!

.

Voldemort collapses back into bed, motionless.

Cut back to Harry and Hermione at Hogwarts.

.

**HERMIONE**

No, Harry.

.

**HARRY**

Why not?

.

**HERMIONE**

It's not revenge if he was just going to die anyway! He has to die because of you!

.

**HARRY**

_(having a revelation)_

Oooh...

_(resolute)_

Well, then in THAT case, I know JUST what I'll do!

.

Cut to EXT. CASTLE GARDEN - DAY

Voldemort appears, skipping happily next to a row of rose bushes planted at the foot of a castle wall. Voldemort stops and bends down to pluck one of the roses. He holds it up to his "nose" and sniffs it.

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(smiling, looking at camera)_

Ya know, I still fail to see the appeal, but what they hey! Who am I to judge?!

.

Suddenly a large stone gargoyle comes CRASHING down on Voldemort, bloodily squashing him. The camera pans upward to where the gargoyle was perched. Harry is standing there, smiling.

.

**HARRY**

_(faces camera, steeples his hands)_

Mwa-ha-ha-HAAA!

.

Cut back to Harry and Hermione at Hogwarts.

.

**HERMIONE**

No, Harry! You can't just kill him! He has to see it coming! What's the point if he doesn't realize that he's about to die?

.

**HARRY**

_(having a revelation)_

Oooh...

_(resolute)_

Well, then in THAT case, I know JUST what I'll do!

.

Cut to EXT. CITY BUS STOP - DAY

Voldemort is standing at the front of a line of people at the bus stop. Harry is behind Voldemort.

.

**HARRY**

_(taps Voldemort on the shoulder)_

Excuse me!

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(turning around to face Harry)_

Yes? Hello, how can I —

.

**HARRY**

_(points off-camera, stage left)_

Bus!

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(looks off-camera, stage left)_

Why, yes, it is. But what's that —

.

Harry pushes Voldemort off the curb and into the street.

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(disappearing below-camera)_

Wuuaaaaak!

.

An express bus WHOOSHES past from stage left, BUMPING over Voldemort, whose arms and legs are seen popping up from below-camera as he is run over.

.

**HARRY**

_(faces camera, steeples his hands)_

Mwa-ha-ha-HAAA!

.

Cut back to Harry and Hermione at Hogwarts.

.

**HERMIONE**

_(exasperated)_

No, Harry!

.

**HARRY**

Why not?

.

**HERMIONE**

You can't kill him without telling him who you are! He has to know that it's you — Harry Potter — who's bringing about his death and demise!

.

**HARRY**

_(having a revelation)_

Oooh...

_(resolute)_

Well, then in THAT case, I know JUST what I'll do!

.

Cut back to the bus stop.

Voldemort is standing at the front of a line of people at the bus stop. Harry is behind Voldemort.

.

**HARRY**

_(taps Voldemort on the shoulder)_

Excuse me!

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(turning around to face Harry)_

Yes? Hello, how can I —

.

**HARRY**

_(points off-camera, stage left)_

I'm Harry Potter!

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(surprised)_

Potter?

_(looks skyward, pensively)_

Now, where have I heard that name befo —

.

**HARRY**

_(points off-camera, stage left)_

Bus!

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(looks off-camera, stage left)_

Well, yes, but I fail to see the connection betw —

.

Harry pushes Voldemort off the curb and into the street.

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(disappearing below-camera)_

Wuuaaaaak!

.

An express bus WHOOSHES past from stage left, BUMPING over Voldemort, whose arms and legs are seen popping up from below-camera as he is run over.

.

**HARRY**

_(faces camera, steeples his hands)_

Mwa-ha-ha-HAAA!

.

Cut back to Harry and Hermione at Hogwarts.

.

**HERMIONE**

_(exasperated, head in hands)_

Oh, for fuck's sake, Harry!

_(glaring at Harry)_

He has to die knowing WHO you are and WHY you're killing him! It's about retribution! Payback! He has to see the connection between what you're doing to him and what he did to your family!

_(climbs onto the table)_

He has to realize that this is the culmination of a homicidal covenant that he signed with your own parents' blood, Harry!

_(shakes fist at the heavens)_

In his final moments of despair, he has to know that he deserves to die, that his death is the fate that he has wrought upon himself by his own villainy! That the vendetta has come full circle, and that his own cosmic disorder has come crashing back down upon him!

.

There is a long pause, during which Harry stares at Hermione, blinking occasionally.

.

**HARRY**

_(having a revelation)_

Oooh...

_(resolute)_

Well, then in THAT case, I know JUST what I'll do!

.

Cut back to the bus stop.

Voldemort is standing at the front of a line of people at the bus stop. Harry is behind Voldemort.

.

**HARRY**

_(taps Voldemort on the shoulder)_

Excuse me!

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(turning around to face Harry)_

Yes? Hello, how can I —

.

**HARRY**

_(points off-camera, stage left)_

I'm Harry Potter!

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(surprised)_

Potter?

_(hand to chin, pensively)_

Now, didn't I know a guy in —

.

**HARRY**

_(points off-camera, stage left)_

Bus!

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(looks off-camera, stage left)_

Well, it's not my bus, but —

.

**HARRY**

_(pointing at Voldemort)_

You killed my parents! And because you killed my parents, I'm going to kill you! And you're going to die knowing that I have killed you in an act of retribution, a karmic re-balancing of the scales that you brought upon yourself!

.

An express bus WHOOSHES past from stage left.

.

**HARRY**

_(continuing rant)_

You are merely reaping that which you have sown, you noseless braggart! And, furthermore, we're not friends, and I don't like you!

.

Harry pushes Voldemort off the curb and into the street.

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(disappearing below-camera)_

Wuuaaaaak!

.

**HARRY**

_(faces camera, steeples his hands)_

Mwa-ha-ha-HAAA!

.

Voldemort stands up in the street, reappearing from below-camera.

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(angrily)_

What the fuck?!

.

Harry turns to face Voldemort.

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(brushing debris off his clothes)_

I've got crap all over me now! I'm already late for a job interview! And then I'm supposed to meet my fiance's parents for dinner! I'm going to look like a fucking hobo!

.

Voldemort collects himself and steps back up onto the sidewalk to get back into the front of the line. He turns his back to Harry.

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(glaring over his shoulder at Harry, irritated)_

You're a total dick.

.

Voldemort resumes waiting for the bus.

.

**VOLDEMORT**

_(glaring over his shoulder at Harry again)_

You know what? I'm glad I killed your fucking parents.

_(turns away again, brushing his clothes off)_

God damn it!

.

END SCENE.


End file.
